Entries Tagged 'Sharon Brindle' ↓

A Producer’s Lot

Author: Sharon Brindle

When a tenor’s not engaged in his audition (his audition)
He loves to sit a-basking in his fame (in his fame)
He can not imagine any opposition (opposition)
To be able to compete with such a name (such a name)

Our sniggers we with difficulty smother (culty smother)
As he struts around and thinks he’s got it won (got it won)
But the tenor lead’s been given to another (to another)
To a lad who’s young enough to be his son

Oh, when a G&S production’s to be done, to be done
A producer’s lot is not a happy one (happy one)

When rehearsals start the chorus is appalling (is appalling)
But the new producer’s trying very hard (very hard)
We can hear the distant funeral bells a-tolling (bells a-tolling)
And we’re not performing “Yeomen of the Guard” (of the Guard)

Our soprano’s started rowing with the MD (with the MD)
Re the new cadenza for “Poor Wand’ring One” (wand’ring one)
Now our poor producer’s trying to run on empty (run on empty)
And the second act finale’s barely done.

Oh, when a G&S production’s to be done, to be done
A producer’s lot is not a happy one (happy one)

Dress rehearsal and the boss man isn’t happy (isn’t happy)
There’s no room on stage when all the girls wear hoops (girls wear hoops)
Samuel’s wandered off and Ruth is getting snappy (getting snappy)*
And the Pirate captain’s feather always droops (always droops)

Fred and Mabel aren’t talking to each other (to each other)
And the oboist is playing out of pitch (out of pitch)
But, we’re all reassuring one another (one another)
That the show will go ahead without a hitch

Oh, when a G&S production’s to be done, to be done
A producer’s lot is not a happy one (happy one)

Opening night, the pirate sherry starts to pour and (starts to pour and)
The producer makes his way towards the bar (wards the bar)
By his reckoning, if he drinks enough beforehand (nough beforehand)
Then he might not notice just how bad we are (bad we are)

But, in the end he didn’t have to do it (have to do it)
The policemen didn’t put a truncheon wrong (truncheon wrong)
And all that hair he tore out, he re-grew it (he re-grew it)
Saying “I knew they’d be brilliant all along”

Oh, when a G&S production’s to be done, to be done
A producer’s lot is quite a happy one (happy one)

*This line may be replaced with:
“Ruth’s complaining that the show’s too Joseph Papp-y (Joseph Papp-y)”

The Auditionee’s Lament

Author: Sharon Brindle

Oh, a chorus girl’s fate is at best second-rate
When she’s trying to win an audition,
A prospective young star’ll wear sexy apparel
To influence panel decision.
But there’s no man in sight when you come to audite,
So you’re dressed up a bit indecorous,
Though you pull out the stops – and you even brought props –
Still, you have to go back to the chorus.
Oh, it’s certain that many a maiden or lad
Has been through this ordeal, disappointed and sad,
So they have to return to the chorus!

Though we try to pretend it’s the same in the end
When we find out we’ve not been selected,
And we know that the chorus is better place for us,
There’s no doubt we feel most dejected.
Still, we show much restraint, not a single complaint,
And one tries not to seem a bad loser
But you stand there aghast when you note who’s been cast –
She’s a relative of the producer!
Oh, it’s really unfair, nepotism is rife,
And you may not get cast for the rest of your life,
While you’re stuck with a selfish producer!

Yeomen ala Dr. Seuss

Author: Sharon Brindle

Phoebe: I mope alone and why, oh why
This Fairfax man is going to die
Wilfred: You weep for him to no avail
He’ll live and perish in my jail (Exit Wilfred)

(enter Meryll)

Meryll: You must not weep, you must not weep,
I’ll save him from his endless sleep
Your brother’s back – get Fairfax out
We’ll own him as a Yeoman stout (exeunt)

(enter Fairfax + Lieut)

Fairfax: One night remains ere head I lose,
What ho, my man? What news? What news?
Lieut: Your head will roll – I’ve no reprieve
Fairfax: Aha – I’ve something up my sleeve

I need a bride – I don’t care which
I’ll be a corpse, and she’ll be rich (exit Fairfax)

(enter Point + Elsie)

Elsie: Alas, my mother’s very ill
Lieut: Will money help?
Elsie It will! It will!

Lieut: My friend desires a bride to find
Elsie: I’m not so sure…
Point: Well, I don’t mind! (exit Elsie)
Lieut: You need a job? Well, if you’re fun
I may have need for such an one

Point: A pretty wit, a pretty wit
My japes have always been a hit
Just test me on my jollity
Lieut: A truce to fooling, follow me (exeunt)

(enter Meryll + Phoebe)

Meryll: The Colonel’s free, the deed is done
I’ve dressed him up to be my son.
Phoebe: But list, they ring the funeral bell
Instead they’ll find an empty cell

(enter Lieut + Fairfax + Elsie + Point + Wilfred)

Fairfax: My lord bad tidings here I bear
He is not there, he is not there!
Lieut: What say you, man, he is not there?
He can’t have vanished into air!

The jailer must die in his place
If of the prisoner there’s no trace
Wilfred: It was not me, it was not me
I hate the man, my rival he!

Elsie: Alas, what am I now to do
I’m married now to Heav’n knows who
Point: You think you’re smart to wed a con
But now the man is gone, gone, gone! (exeunt)


(enter Women and Yeomen)

Women: Where is Fairfax? Where is he?
Where, oh where can Fairfax be?

Yeomen: Up and down, and in and out,
Here and there, and round about;

Every chamber, every house,
Every chink that holds a mouse,
Every crevice in the keep
Where a beetle black could creep,

Every outlet, every drain
Have we searched, but all in vain!
No-one in this town so wide
Has found the place where he doth hide! (exeunt)

(enter Fairfax)

Fairfax: Though I am free from fetters grim
I wish I’d not wed on a whim
I’m landed with an unknown wife
I may be shackled to for life! (exit)

(enter Wilfred and Point)

Point: My Elsie’s gone to someone new
What shall I do? What shall I do?
Wilfred: If you make me a jester man
I’ll help you in a cunning plan

Point: You’ll fire a shot and we’ll pretend
That that’s how Fairfax met his end
Then I will have my Elsie back
Wilfred: And I can be a Jumping Jack (exeunt)

(enter Fairfax + Elsie)

Fairfax: I now know Elsie is my bride
I’ll play a trick and test her pride
I love thee, Elsie, fly with me!
Elsie: What trick is this? I’m shocked at thee!

(enter Meryll + Phoebe)

Meryll: What was that shot? What was that shot?
Fairfax: A gun, was my initial thought

(enter Point and Wilfred)

Wilfred: I fired that arquebus, ’twas me!
Point: And all was witnessed by Jack P.

Wilfred: I shot this Fairfax through the head
Point: And now he’s dead!
Wilfred: And now he’s dead!
Lieut: To find this body now attend
Before the night is at an end! (exeunt Lieut, Point, Wilfred)

Fairfax: Now Elsie fair, I love thee well
Will you become my wife, pray tell?
Phoebe: What do they do? What do they do?
Point: You can’t do that! I love her too!

Elsie: Now ’tis my marriage day, it’s said
I will, I must and shall be wed
Lieut: But hold, my girl, ’tis not to be
Your husband lives and he is free

Elsie: Oh no! Oh no! What shall I do?
How can I face this torment new?
Fairfax: I am your husband, look at me
Elsie: Oh joy! Oh rapture! It is thee!

All: Hurray! Hurray! Oh happy day
Again we say Hurray! Hurray!
Jack: Since this is writ by Dr Seuss
A downbeat ending is no use

I’ll find myself another mate
And fall in love with pretty Kate!


The Martyr Trio

Author: Sharon Brindle

Point:My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
Elsie’s gone to live with Fairfax and I’m left in desolation
When I told her she could marry I believed he’d be beheaded,
But he fled as Leonard Merryl, and so Elsie still was wedded,

Though I tried to spin a story how I shot him in the noddle
He returned to claim his widow, and so I was left with sod all,
Now I don’t know whether suicide or fainting is the smarter
*So I’ll leave it to you to decide if I’m to be a martyr

Elsie, Fairfax: If he is to be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr
Point: If I am to be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr

Fairfax: If I had not been quite so bad and generally naughty
I’d have granted a divorce and let the jester have his totty
But the girl was quite a corker, in my loins I felt a stirring
And then when I made a pass at her I found she was concurring,

That I’m witty, rich and fascinating there is no denying,
Although when it comes to women I am not averse to lying,
Whilst I feel a trifle guilty, I just cannot live withart’er,
So I’ll keep her for myself and Master Point can be a martyr

All: Master Point can be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr

Elsie: I’m very well aware of all the failings of my suitor
He’s a sneaky piece of work, but he is infinitely cuter
He pretended to be Leonard with deception cruel and shocking
Till I found out he was Fairfax in a different-coloured stocking

It’s a sticky situation and I’m caught up in the middle
Should I wed the hunky charmer or the master of the riddle?
Though the very thought of wedded bliss with either’s a non-starter
I will listen to my hormones and desert my loyal martyr

Point, Fairfax: She’ll desert her loyal martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr,
Elsie: I’ll desert my loyal martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr,
Elsie: Though you may say “Che peccata”, he will always be a martyr
All: He will always be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr.

*But unconscious or deceased, you must allow I am a martyr

( Sharon Brindle 1997)

If you give me your attention…

Author: Sharon Brindle

1.If you give me your attention I will tell you what I am
I’m a G&S enthusiast who spouts ad nauseam
I know the lib from every show and point out each defect
To the erring fellow actors I endeavour to correct

My thinking is traditional, some call me prejudiced
When I gasp in scorn and horror at a rehashed “Little List”
I love the Savoy Operas – I quote them where I can –
Yet everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man!
And I can’t think why!

2. My walls at home are all adorned with every print from “Spy”,
The Players’ cigarette cards to impress the passer-by,
I bought a PC so I could subscribe to Savoynet
*Of the G&S discography I’m sure I’ve got the set

I know about the lozenge plot and carpet quarrel too,
How Arthur wrote “Come Mighty Must” when he was on the brew,
I often entertain my peers with stories partisan,
Yet everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man!
And I can’t think why!

3. My cerebral dexterity is something to behold,
I’ve written lengthy parodies, quite promising I’m told
I read the “Precious Nonsense”, “NODA News”, “The Trumpet Bray”
And I write them monthly letters ‘cos I’ve always lots to say.

When Buxton comes around again you won’t see me for dust
To hob-nob with the D’Oyly Carte, it really is a must
I’ve fraternised with Thomas Round and darling Peggy Ann,
Yet everybody says I’m such a disagreeable man!
And I can’t think why!

*And I cheerfully subscribe to all the rules of S’nettiquette

The Ruddigore Hillbillies

Author: Sharon Brindle

1. Come and listen to my story ’bout Rupert Murgatroyd
He was the sort of fella that you’re better to avoid
He liked to torture witches and would duck ’em in his lake
But a palsied hag gave him a gift as she burned at the stake

Curse, that is
On his soul
No parole

2. Well, the next thing you know, it’s passed down the family tree
Through Roderic and Despard, not a generation’s free
But Sir Ruthven had the right idea, it really must be said,
He got out of the problem by pretending to be dead

Late, that is
Ceased to be

3. Now Ruthven, known as Robin, is enamoured of a girl
Who captivates the village boys and gets them in a whirl
But though the bridesmaids think that she is playing hard to get
Her curious behaviour’s in the name of etiquette

Manners, that is
Show respect

4. When Robin’s brother Richard comes rolling into town
He tries to cheer up Robin ‘cos he’s feeling kinda down
Romances Rose by proxy ‘cos his brother’s really shy
But he takes her for himself ‘cos he’s a sneaky kind of guy

Cad, that is
Cupid’s dart
Blames his heart

5. Now Rose goes back to Robin, he’s the one she really wants,
Dick wanders to the graveyard, one of Despard’s favourite haunts
He lets it slip to Murgatroyd that Rose’s valentine
Is older brother Ruthven, keeping oxen, sheep and swine

Pigs, that is
Former crook
Off the hook

6. Now Ruthven is the criminal and does a crime a day
To keep the painted emblems and Sir Roderick at bay
While Despard’s married Crazy Meg and goes to tend the sick
When she goes mad, a “Basingstoke” will always do the trick

Calm, that is
Makes her wiser

7. When Ruthven tries to kidnap Rose, he thinks he’s played his part
But Gideon Crawle returns with Roddy Doddy’s “tiger caht”,
But by some crazy twist of fate that will amaze y’all,
Since Roderic had topped himself, he wasn’t dead at all

Free, that is
Family curse
Is reversed

8. So happy ever after, every couple’s getting hitched,
And now the Murgatroyds are not the only ones bewitched
The moral of the story if you’re virtuous at all
Is make sure that all your paintings are turned in towards the wall

Y’all come back now, y’hear?