Entries Tagged 'I am the very model of a modern major general' ↓

YouTube Video with Animaniacs song with Anime visuals

Another YouTube video

Video: on YouTube.

Author: Tom Epstein

I am the very model of a great Artistic Director,
Backstage I swing a hammer
With the same authority as Thor;
I know the way to stage a fight
That reads from all around the house-
From rapier duels, to quarterstaffs,
And punches straight to big roundhouse.
I am very well acquainted, too,
With matters high dramatical,
Like sighs, and moans, and glances thrown,
And atmospheres piratical;
And romances historical and farces operatical-
From Cyrano and Robin Hood,
To Pirates Penzancancical!
I am very good at staging, too,
The plays writ by the Avon Bard,
And I can talk for hours, days, weeks even,
Without breathing hard-
In short, with plays that make ’em soar,
Then stand and roar, and yell for more,
I am the very model of a great Artistic Director.

In fact, when I know what is meant by
“Oops, I goofed!” or “Gee, you’re right!”,
When I can hear advice, and then
Not take it as a dreadful slight,
When I can hear a differing opinion
And not blow a fuse,
And stop insisting that each actor
Work at least a million crews.
When I can meet my own demands
Regarding punctuality,
And turn rehearsal schedules
From guess to actuality,
iF even once I’d know my book
On opening night without a doubt-
But then, you’d all have absolutely
Nothing to complain about!
So, upon further reflection
I’ve decided to change nothing, nix,
For after all, as someone said,
It’s hard to teach old dogs new tricks.
And in my field, it’s typical, to be très egotistical-
Hence I’m the very model of a Director Artistical.

Author: Lolly

I am the very model of a cult broadway phenomenon
Tho some may find my music soporific not insomnium
My Lyrics were not cynic when ‘comp’nied by a Bernstein score
But trickier and sickier, applied to barbers carnivore
Thos audience disparages, SoHo residents Fascinate
by Greenwich village marriages and presidents assasinate
In Night Music, Send the Clowns was verily a droller song
than bitter bit of patter pert in Merrilly We Roll Along

Tho’ Follies was so jolly good, the public would defeat us – hey
they only came Into the Woods to see Bernadette Peters play
Sunday in the Park with George, and Company would often ease
The box office that struck out when I copied Aristophenes

I’ll have to find another theme – I’ll search and search and search in vain
I know I’ll write a musical ’bout Desert Storm, and S’dam Hussein
It seems today the public prefer shows that have a bomb in ’em
I am the very model of a cult Broadway phenomenon

Author: Rev. Christopher Raible

I am the very model of a modern Unitarian,
Far broader than a Catholic, Hindu, Jew or Presbyterian.
I know the world’s religions and can trace their roots historical
From Moses up to Channing, all in order categorical.
I’m very well acquainted, too, with theories theological,
On existential questions I am always wholly logical,
About most any problem I am teeming with a lot of views,
I’m full of fine ideas that should fill our church’s empty pews.

(Chorus members:

We’re full of fine ideas that should fill our church’s empty pews.
We’re full of fine ideas that should fill our church’s empty pews.
We’re full of fine ideas that should fill our church’s empty empty pews.

)

I quote from Freud and Jung and all the experts psychological.
I’m anti nuke, I don’t pollute I’m chastely ecological.
In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of a modern Unitarian.

(Chorus members:

In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of a modern Unitarian.

)

I use the latest language; God is never Father or the Lord,
But Ground of Being, Source of Life or almost any other word.
I never pray, I meditate, I’m leary about worshipping.
I serve on 10 committees none of which accomplish anything.
I give to worthy causes and I drive a gas conserving car,
I have good UU principles (although I’m not sure what they are).
I’m open to opinions of profound or broad variety,
Unless they’re too conservative or smack of righteous piety.

(Chorus members:

Unless they’re too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they’re too conservative or smack of righteous piety.
Unless they’re too conservative or smack of righteous pie-piety.

)

I formulate agendas and discuss them with the best of ’em,
But don’t ask me to implement, we leave that to the rest of ’em.
In short in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
I am the very model of today’s religious liberal.

(Chorus members:

In short, in matters spiritual, ethical, material,
We are the very model of today’s religious liberal.

)

Author: anonymous

To be sung to the tune of, “I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General.”
Check with your attorney to determine if this is a fair use.

I am the legal eagle of the Church of Scientology,
For First Amendment purposes that’s what’s called “a theology”;
Of course we don’t believe in God–if you do, we don’t mind, as such:
We’ll convert you (and your property) through Operation Midas Touch.

I oversee manipulation of the law in Dennis Erlich’s case,
I practice my beliefs before Judge Whyte by lying to his face.
In short, in matters criminal, both overt and subliminal,
I sing the songs of L. Ron from his copyrighted hym-n-al.

Chorus:

In short, in matters criminal, both overt and subliminal,
She sings the songs of L. Ron from his copyrighted hym-n-al!

By now you’ve heard our leader sailed a Navy ship and saved the day,
At Flag, Sea Org and L.A. we salute and shout, “Hip, hip, hooray!”
Our records show he seized the reigns and ne’er once failed to take them up.
And, like the facts in Erlich’s case, he ne’er once failed to make them up!

The SPs who are PTS the OSA will deal with,
The HCOPLs work best to RPF your meal with.
Though Grady Ward can say that I am just the ‘ho of babble-on’…
babble-on…
babble-on…
Ah yes!:
Such acronyms I’d like to wager ten fair games of Scrabble[tm*] on!

Chorus:

Such acronyms she’d like to wager ten fair games of Scrabble on!
Such acronyms she’d like to wager ten fair games of Scrabble on!
Such acronyms she’d like to wager ten fair games of Scrabble, Scrabble on!

At redefining words I make George Orwell do a double-think,
Uncork me and the law’s my punch-bowl; I’m Jim Jones’s bubble-drink.
In short, in matters criminal, both overt and subliminal,
I sing the songs of L. Ron from his trade-secreted hym-n-al!

Chorus:

In short, in matters criminal, both overt and subliminal,
She sings the songs of L. Ron from his trade-secreted hym-n-al!

Now, let me be perfectly “clear”:
Our church is not a cult because our church is not a cult because
Our church is (nod) occult. Be. Cuss our churchies. Not ack. Old beak nose.
Arch urges noted. Culled because hour charge is nada. Gold–be cozy.
Cherish Tom, Nicole (big house–ours?). Churlish snotty cold pig hose.

How odd it is that “audit” is the term we use for “therapy”,
The same word from the IRS would set a grizzly bear a-pee.
But since we’ve infiltrated them we are not scared a bit ourselves,
When they come to examine us, we’ll know how to audit ourselves!

Chorus:

When they come to examine us, we’ll know how to audit ourselves!
When they come to examine us, we’ll know how to audit ourselves!
When they come to examine us, we’ll know how to audit, audit ourselves!

There’s only one remaining law with which we haven’t been attacked:
The Racketeer-Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act.
Of course we won’t defend ourselves; we’ll fire lying flak at them:
If Justice files a RICO suit, we’ll counterfile one back at them!

Though no one is beyond redemption, I am on the road to hell,
The money talks. The money talks. The money talks. I know too well.
In short, with ethics minimal, from L. Ron’s secret hym-n-al,
I am the very model of a modern legal criminal!

Chorus: In short with ethics minimal, from L. Ron’s secret hym-n-al,
She is the very model of a modern legal criminal!

* After all, dears, this is *only* a dispute over intellectual property!

video on YouTube

From the parody musical “Dirty Little Showtunes”, from 1997.

Author: Elise Matthesen, 9/19/96

He is the very model of an Accidental Admiral
Familiar with the frying-pan, the fire and the free-for-all;
He’s chummy with the Emperor — won’t let him get morose again —
And when the intrigue starts to wane, just call in Miles Vorkosigan.

He’s very well acquainted, too, with matters of security;
The overwhelming menace in his motives is their purity;
His hyperactive habits are are believed to be incurable,
But actually they’re useful, for they make him pretty durable.

He’s very good with justice and occasions magisterial
And he’s a Vor that one can trust with matters quite Imperial;
So whether it’s a picnic, an invasion or a free-for-all
He is the very model of an Accidental Admiral.

At moments of excitement one can see him flailing frantically
(It’s possible in combat but it’s likelier romantically)
He idolized Elena and was hoping he could marry her
But didn’t know her warrior ambitions were a barrier;

He brought in Trainee Taura, who is like a Wookie Amazon
(He got her into uniform but likes her with pajamas on)
He’s ship’s so full of women you’d mistake it for a nunnery —
But one where all the sisters are superior at gunnery.

Some think that he’s a Vorish twit, effete and egotistical,
Some feel for him a reverence that borders on the mystical,
But whether it’s in fealty, in fieldwork or a free-for-all,
He is the very model of an Accidental Admiral.

Subordination’s difficult — he’s had all he can stand of it —
But point him at a problem and he’s sure to take command of it,
And as for plans alternative he’s sure to have a million.
His little mind’s so devious, he croggles Simon Illyan.

And Illyan’s who receives the tales of matters mercenarial,
In masterful reports of obfuscation actuarial,
For Miles is mayhem’s magnet — this conclusion’s ineluctable —
And Simon is considering a hike in his deductible.

So when it comes to mercenary’s luck and synchonicity,
From galaxy to galaxy, from war to infelicity,
You’re bound to find Vorkosigan a grinnin’ in the free-for-all:
He is the very model of an Accidental Admiral.

(Reprints by written permission of the author only; for permissions and
other information, please contact lioness@well.com. Thank you!)

(Author: John Osborne, originally posted to rec.arts.books.tolkien in July of 1997)
(Archive: FlyingMoose.org Tolkien archive

Author’s note: I read with delight Chuck Bramlet’s observation on the perfect fit of> Errantry to the tune of I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General and this got me thinking of the possiblity of a Lord of the Rings / “Pirates of Penzance” hybrid… I have visions of Arwen singing Poor Wand’ring One to Aragorn, the Shirrifs singing When the Foeman Bares his Steel, and, perhaps best of all, the Nazgul sweeping up the slopes of
Weathertop bellowing With Cat-like Tread at the tops of their voices!

O. Sharp’s follow-up with the Xena song clinched it. I had to do something.

Theoden sings….

I am the very model of a mediaeval Anglian
The truth of this suffuses every nerve and every ganglion
While some proclaim my folc (1) to be Germanic (miscellaneous)
I am in in fact bewildered by this theory extra-aneous
I’m neither Lombard, Hun or Goth or any of that eastern crowd
We’re Anglo-Saxon to the core although we fight on horses proud
Some seem to think our armour bright could easily be Persian
But it is plain to see that it is mediaeval Mercian

Chorus:

But it is plain to see that it is mediaeval Mercian
But it is plain to see that it is mediaeval Mercian
But it is plain to see that it is mediaeval Merci-Mercian

Theoden…

We are the very model of the pre-Normanic Angelcynn (2)
We show it in the way we dress and in the way our songs are sung
In normal conversation we employ the language Mercian
And when we wish to swear, by heck! we don’t just swear, we cursian (3)
Our poetry’s alliterative – it hardly ever rhymes at all
We gather round mead benches and tell epics in our Saxon hall
In matters of the hearth and hall, the homestead and the open weald
We are the very model of a mediaeval gefeald (4)

Chorus:

They are the very model of a mediaeval gefeald
They are the very model of a mediaeval gefeald
They are the very model of a mediaeval gefe- gefeald

Theoden…

I am the very model of a hlaford (5) straight from Beowulf
We go by names like Fram and Gram and Erkenbrand, Eorl and Wulf
My hall of Meduseld which shines like gold under the sunne (6) hot
Is obviously modelled on King Hrothgar’s home of Heorot
In fact we are not modelled on the Anglians historical
We’re more akin to mediaeval Mercians poetical
But be that as it may I offer up this statement once again
I am the very model of a mediaeval Anglian!

(1) folc OE (pron. FOL-K) = people
(2) Angelcynn OE (pron. AN-GEL-Cuunn) = the English people
(3) cursian OE (pron. KURS-EE-AN) = to curse
(4) gefeald OE (pron. YE-FE-ALD) = domain
(5) hlaford OE (pron. HLA-VORD) = lord
(6) sunne OE (pron. SUUN-NE) = sun

(Authors: Rick Moen & Karsten Self; canonical archive is at LinuxMafia.com

Apropos of SCOvsIBM, we hereby offer:

Modern SCO Executive
(Apologies to Gilbert, Sullivan, and most of humanity)
(Send brickbats to: Rick Moen and Karsten Self)

[The scene: Major-General Darl McBride has stepped up to the fo’castle
of HMS SCaldera, which has just fought its first skirmish against the
dread Pirates of Penguinance. He prepares to hold a press
conference^W^W^W^W address the troops:]

McBride:

I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.
Our market share is minuscule; our losses are consecutive.
But from our labs deep in U-T, you very soon will surely see
The ultimate, the pinnacle, in high-technolo-barratry.
“Live free or die” philosophies are very well, but still, you see:
Our contracts and our trade secrets make Unix seem our property.
Never mind what we really own (a question not rhetorical):
We have thirty thousand contracts, though most are quite historical.

Lawyer Chorus:

We have thirty thousand contracts, though most are quite historical.
We have thirty thousand contracts, though most are quite historical.
We have thirty thousand contracts, though most are quite historical.

McBride:

While our profit’s been elusive, our tort claims are unremitting,
And Blake Stowell’s PR quota is still dozens at each sitting.
In short, in matters litigual, continual, accusative,
I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.

Lawyer Chorus:

In short, in matters litigual, continual, accusative,
He is the very model of a modern SCO executive.

McBride:

Our history’s mythological (per Eric, it’s not factual).
I answer simple questions with evasions indeciph’rable.
I’m quoted in the IT press, first one and then another way,
And if that’s not quite sufficient, then Sontag runs some blocking
play.
I’m not so good with copyrights, Novell’s got those (they say to us),
Our patent holding’s very slim, our valuation’s perilous.
But please don’t ever hit me with our POSIX system standard score.
I’m always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System 4.

Lawyer Chorus:

He’s always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System 4.
He’s always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System 4.
He’s always quite confused by that infernal nonsense System 4.

McBride:

That freaky hippie GPL, you’d think we’d never heard of it!
And all that code we say they took? The Stevens book’s got every bit.
In short, with markets minuscule and losses quite consecutive,
I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.

Lawyer Chorus:

In short with markets minuscule and losses quite consecutive,
He is the very model of a modern SCO executive.

McBride:

Our name is “SCO” (although you know we really still are Caldera):
Our Eighties business plan seemed good; why permit a change of era?
That old IP that passed to us seemed ripe for a legal mining.
We’re not quite clear on what it is, but it must have been worth buying.
I look with great anxiety on Linux and on BSD.
I’ve signed up with the Devil: Chairman Bill sent a huge license fee.
He says he has a high regard for intellectual property,
But I really haven’t thought much what he’ll do when he’s done with me.

Lawyer Chorus:

But he really hasn’t thought much what he’ll do when he’s done with him.
But he really hasn’t thought much what he’ll do when he’s done with him.
But he really hasn’t thought much what he’ll do when he’s done with him.

McBride:

Our contract reach is deep and broad, and gives us exclusivity:
The lawyers tell us to shoot wide. (Who’ll notice things like privity?)
From the penguinista rabble, I’ve earned naught but opprobrium.
But dare I’ll say I’m twice the man of anyone at I-B-M.

Lawyer Chorus:

But dare’e’ll say he’s twice the man of anyone at I-B-M.
But dare’e’ll say he’s twice the man of anyone at I-B-M.
But dare’e’ll say he’s twice the man of anyone at I-B-IBM.

McBride:

So though we have run quite amok, we readily will go away,
If for our worthless capital, you were this tidy sum to pay.
In short, with markets minuscule and losses quite consecutive,
I am the very model of a modern SCO executive.

Lawyer Chorus:

In short, with markets minuscule and losses quite consecutive,
He is the very model of a modern SCO executive.

Author: Kevin Wald

Greetings. A while back, Democratus attempted to bring some “high culture” to the Xena parody genre, with his wonderful production of Romeo and Xena. In a similar spirit, I now present an excerpt from Gilbert and Sullivan’s little-known operetta, Xena; or, The Warrior Princess. (This excerpt is from an annotated edition; please don’t let the occasional scholarly footnotes, in the form of bracketed numbers, interfere with your enjoyment of Gilbert’s unique lyrical style.)
Sincerely,
Lollius (a newcomer to these parts)

[We join our operetta already in progress. The infamous Pirates of Pergamum have just seized a bevy of beautiful Mytilenean maidens, and are attempting to carry them off for matrimonial purposes. Gabrielle intervenes, with a recitative (well, it’s better than a pan flute solo):]

Gabrielle:

Hold, scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of villainy
Upon the peaceful and agrarian,
Just bear in mind, these maidens of My-TIL-ene[1]
Are guarded by a buff barbarian!

Pirates:

We’d better all rethink our cunning plan;
They’re guarded by a buff barbarian.

Maidens:

Yes, yes, she is a buff barbarian.

[Xena leaps in from the wings, with a tremendous war cry, does a mid-air somersault, and lands on her feet on the Pirate King’s chest.]
Xena:

Yes, yes, I am a buff barbarian!

[The orchestra starts up.]

I am the very model of a heroine barbarian;
Through Herculean efforts, I’ve become humanitarian.
I ride throughout the hinterland — at least that’s what they call it in
Those sissy towns like Athens (I, myself, am Amphipolitan).
I travel with a poet who is perky and parthenian[2]
And scribbles her hexameters in Linear Mycenian[3]
(And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,
To tell if our relationship’s sororal or sapphistical).

Chorus:

To tell if their relationship’s sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship’s sororal or sapphistical!
To tell if their relationship’s sororal or sapphisti-phistical!

Xena:

My armory is brazen, but my weapons are ironical;
My sword is rather phallic, but my chakram’s rather yonical[4]
(To find out what that means, you’ll have to study Indo-Aryan[5]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus:

To find out what that means, we’ll have to study Indo-Aryan —
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Xena:

I wake up every morning, ere the dawn is rhododactylous[6]
(Who needs to wait for daylight? I just work by _sensus tactilis_[7].)
And ride into the sunrise to protect some local villagers
From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.
I hurtle towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient
And cow him with my swordwork and my alalaes ululient[8];
He’s frightened for his head, because he knows I’m gonna whack it — he’s
Aware that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!

[The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Xena in utter confusion. She sighs.]

It’s *Greek*. It means “Warrior Princess”!

[Light dawns on the Chorus, and the music resumes.]

Sheesh . . .

Chorus:

He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhetes!
He knows that his opponent is the Basileia Makhe-makhetes,

Xena:

Because I’ve got my armor, which is really rather silly, on
(It’s cut so low I feel like I’m the topless tow’rs of Ilion,
And isn’t any use against attackers sagittarian[9]).
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus:

It isn’t any use against attackers sagittarian —
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Xena:

In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,
And why my togs expose my intermammary concavity,
And why my comrade changed her dress from one that fit more comfily
To one that shows her omphalos[10] (as cute as that of Omphale[11]),
And why the tale of Spartacus appears in Homer’s versicon[12],

[She holds up a tomato:]

And where we found examples of the genus Lycopersicon[13],
And why this Grecian scenery looks more like the Antipodes,
You’ll say I’m twice the heroine of any in Euripides!

Chorus:

We’ll say she’s twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We’ll say she’s twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
We’ll say she’s twice the heroine of any in Euripi-ripides!

Xena:

But though the kinked chronology, confusing and chimerical
(It’s often unhistorical, but rarely unhysterical),
Would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian,
I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!

Chorus:

‘Twould give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian —
She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!

[As the orchestra plays the final chords, a wild Xenaesque melee ensues, and the curtain has to be brought down.]

Notes:

1. Actually, “Mytilene” would properly be accented on the third syllable; Gabrielle always did have trouble with rhymes. (Mytilene, incidentally, is a city on the isle of Lesbos — the hometown of the poet Sappho, as a matter of fact. It is not clear what, if anything, Gilbert is trying to imply here.)
2. parthenian: virginal.
3. Linear Mycenian: Mycenian is the ancient dialect of Greek which was written in Linear B (a form of Greek writing that predates the adoption of the alphabet). The implication is that Gabrielle does her writing in Linear B; if Xena takes place around the time of the Trojan war, this is chronologically reasonable.
4. yonical: “Yonic” is the female counterpart to “phallic”.
5. Indo-Aryan: The language group consisting of Sanskrit and its close relatives. Both “chakram” and “yonic” are of Sanskrit derivation.
6. rhododactylous: rosy-fingered. (Homer makes frequent reference to rhododaktulos eos — “rosy-fingered dawn”.)
7. sensus tactilis: Latin for “the sense of touch”.
8. “Alalaes” are war-cries (the Greeks spelled a Xena-like war cry as _alala_ or _alale_) and “ululient” is a coined term, apparently meaning “characterized by ululation”.
9. sagittarian: archer-like.
10. omphalos: belly-button.
11. Omphale: Legendary queen of Lydia. From context, we must assume that she had a cute belly-button; however, no known classical source seems to address this vital issue.
12. versicon: a coined term, apparently meaning “collection of verse”.
13. Lycopersicon: the biological genus to which tomatoes are assigned. (The tomato is a New World plant, and was entirely unknown in the Old World in pre-Columbian times. Thus, having tomatoes in a Xenaish context is an even greater anachronism than having Homer tell the tale of Spartacus.)