Entries Tagged 'Ruddigore' ↓

PULP OPERETTA: (My Eyes are Fully Open To) The Bonnie Situation

Author: Andrew Solovay

Author’s Note:
(If you haven’t seen Pulp Fiction, this scene is about… um… it’s where… Oh, just see the darned movie.)

The scene: Jules and Vincent have just arrived at Jimmy’s home, covered with Marvin’s blood. They need to get rid of the body before Jimmy’s wife Bonnie gets home…

Jules:

I know that you’ve gone straight, so I regret my rude intruding
But I hope our ugly business will be presently concluding.
Vincent Vega is my partner, or he was until this morning
But I’m ready now to dump him (I am giving him fair warning).
He’s a pleasant natured fellow, friendly once you get to know him,
But I’ll never trust him anymore as far as I can throw him
What with waving guns around like traffic safety doesn’t matter–
Now our prisoner is dead, and I am covered with the splatter!

Vince: And I’m covered with the splatter splatter splatter…
Jimmy: Ew, he’s dripping all the splatter splatter splatter…

Vince:

I resent your allegation that I’m cranially lacking,
Or that when it comes to safety I indulge in any slacking.
I was careful with the gun, and I don’t think that it was loaded–
So I’ve no idea why Marvin’s head spontaneously exploded.
All today I haven’t had a chance to light myself a spliff in
And I haven’t touched the heroin since yesterday at tiffin,
So I’m quite as level-headed as Detective Phil Vanatter,
So whatever else you say, you can’t blame me for all the splatter!

Jules: Yes, I blame you for the splatter splatter splatter…
Jimmy: What’s the deal with all the splatter splatter splatter…

Jimmy:

I don’t think you appreciate the Bonnie Situation.
If she sees the way you look I’m facing imminent castration.
I’ve repented all my history of murderous adventures,
And your boss was good enough to have forgiven my indentures.
Now you’ve thrown it out the window,
’cause I doubt she’ll be ignoring
The undoubted illegality of negro-body-storing,
So get out of here before this moron makes me any madder
And I cream him with a frying-pan and add to all the splatter!

Jules: Just be cool about the splatter splatter splatter…
Vince: Jimmy’s head is gonna splatter splatter splatter…

All: I bet we get an Oscar for this hip and witty patter,
But the rest will go to _Gump_ ’cause it is lower on the splatter!

The Martyr Trio

Author: Sharon Brindle

Point:My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
Elsie’s gone to live with Fairfax and I’m left in desolation
When I told her she could marry I believed he’d be beheaded,
But he fled as Leonard Merryl, and so Elsie still was wedded,

Though I tried to spin a story how I shot him in the noddle
He returned to claim his widow, and so I was left with sod all,
Now I don’t know whether suicide or fainting is the smarter
*So I’ll leave it to you to decide if I’m to be a martyr

Elsie, Fairfax: If he is to be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr
Point: If I am to be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr

Fairfax: If I had not been quite so bad and generally naughty
I’d have granted a divorce and let the jester have his totty
But the girl was quite a corker, in my loins I felt a stirring
And then when I made a pass at her I found she was concurring,

That I’m witty, rich and fascinating there is no denying,
Although when it comes to women I am not averse to lying,
Whilst I feel a trifle guilty, I just cannot live withart’er,
So I’ll keep her for myself and Master Point can be a martyr

All: Master Point can be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr

Elsie: I’m very well aware of all the failings of my suitor
He’s a sneaky piece of work, but he is infinitely cuter
He pretended to be Leonard with deception cruel and shocking
Till I found out he was Fairfax in a different-coloured stocking

It’s a sticky situation and I’m caught up in the middle
Should I wed the hunky charmer or the master of the riddle?
Though the very thought of wedded bliss with either’s a non-starter
I will listen to my hormones and desert my loyal martyr

Point, Fairfax: She’ll desert her loyal martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr,
Elsie: I’ll desert my loyal martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr,
Elsie: Though you may say “Che peccata”, he will always be a martyr
All: He will always be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr.

*But unconscious or deceased, you must allow I am a martyr

( Sharon Brindle 1997)

My eyes are fully open [math/academia]

Author: Robin Pemantle

My eyes are fully open to my awful situation:
work for business, wear a suit, get only ten days of vacation,
and the fact that I’ll be getting almost twice the compensation
doesn’t even start to balance out the moral indignation.
For the letters I got back from every hiring committee
said in essence, tinged with varying expressions of their pity,
“Though we’ve never seen a thesis that was better typed or fatter,
if you were to die tomorrow, sir … this work just wouldn’t matter.”

sir, this work just wouldn’t matter
sir, this work just wouldn’t matter
sir, this work just wouldn’t matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

After passing all my quals, I started studying connections
between holomorphic localized commutative transvections
and the inverse limit complex they induce by intersections
but, alas, all the examples have thus far escaped detection.
So I switched into the area of meta-mathematics,
where I found a universal form for third-degree quadratics.
Now I’m mad as a logician, madder still than any hatter,
and my discourse is reduced from math to infantile chatter.

math to infantile chatter
math to infantile chatter
math to infantile chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter!

If I had been so lucky as to have a good advisor
who was just a little older, grayer, richer, smarter, wiser,
who could give me good direction when he saw me start to wander
from those fields of mathematics of which NSF is fonder,
Then I might have had a job at an upstanding institution,
gotten tenure, won a medal for “distinguished contribution” —
as it is this rapid, vapid, unintelligible patter
isn’t generally heard and if it is it doesn’t matter!

if it is it doesn’t matter
if it is it doesn’t matter
if it is it doesn’t matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!

I once was a very abandoned soul

Author: Sharon Brindle

M: I once was a very abandoned soul
F: Known as the last of the great big spenders,
M: Now I am broke and on the dole,
F: We have to stay home and watch “Eastenders”.
M: No more can I go on raucus benders,
We’re living rough,
She’s up the duff,
F: And Kev’s in a home for young offenders.

(Dance)

M: Our son Roberta is changing genders.

F: I was once an exceedingly slim young lady,
M: Trying out every kind of diet,
F: I used to stop traffic in my heyday,
M: She was the cause of the Brixton Riot.
F: He won’t eat my food unless I fry it,
But still, it’s true
I’m eating for two,
M: (Aside) She’s eating for twelve but I’m keeping quiet!

(Dance)

F: (Aside) I’ve told him I’m pregnant, I think he’ll buy it!

M: I’ve given up all my aimless drifting,
F: Mooching around and looking slobby,
M: I’ve taken up gambling and shoplifting,
F: It’s lovely to think he’s got a hobby,
M: We keep a Rottweiler in the lobby,
I spend my fill
Down William Hill,
M: He’s very well known by the local bobby.

(Dance)

M+F: I’m starting to look like Mr Blobby.

The Ruddigore Hillbillies

Author: Sharon Brindle

1. Come and listen to my story ’bout Rupert Murgatroyd
He was the sort of fella that you’re better to avoid
He liked to torture witches and would duck ’em in his lake
But a palsied hag gave him a gift as she burned at the stake

Curse, that is
On his soul
No parole

2. Well, the next thing you know, it’s passed down the family tree
Through Roderic and Despard, not a generation’s free
But Sir Ruthven had the right idea, it really must be said,
He got out of the problem by pretending to be dead

Late, that is
RIP
Ceased to be

3. Now Ruthven, known as Robin, is enamoured of a girl
Who captivates the village boys and gets them in a whirl
But though the bridesmaids think that she is playing hard to get
Her curious behaviour’s in the name of etiquette

Manners, that is
Show respect
Genuflect

4. When Robin’s brother Richard comes rolling into town
He tries to cheer up Robin ‘cos he’s feeling kinda down
Romances Rose by proxy ‘cos his brother’s really shy
But he takes her for himself ‘cos he’s a sneaky kind of guy

Cad, that is
Cupid’s dart
Blames his heart

5. Now Rose goes back to Robin, he’s the one she really wants,
Dick wanders to the graveyard, one of Despard’s favourite haunts
He lets it slip to Murgatroyd that Rose’s valentine
Is older brother Ruthven, keeping oxen, sheep and swine

Pigs, that is
Former crook
Off the hook

6. Now Ruthven is the criminal and does a crime a day
To keep the painted emblems and Sir Roderick at bay
While Despard’s married Crazy Meg and goes to tend the sick
When she goes mad, a “Basingstoke” will always do the trick

Calm, that is
Tranquillizer
Makes her wiser

7. When Ruthven tries to kidnap Rose, he thinks he’s played his part
But Gideon Crawle returns with Roddy Doddy’s “tiger caht”,
But by some crazy twist of fate that will amaze y’all,
Since Roderic had topped himself, he wasn’t dead at all

Free, that is
Family curse
Is reversed

8. So happy ever after, every couple’s getting hitched,
And now the Murgatroyds are not the only ones bewitched
The moral of the story if you’re virtuous at all
Is make sure that all your paintings are turned in towards the wall

Y’all come back now, y’hear?