Entries Tagged 'The Mikado' ↓

Just Kill Me! (Tit-willow)

Just Kill Me!, from Jonah was a Prophet (Minor), or Gilbert & Sullivan meet God Almighty by Leland Bryant Ross

A soapy little list

Author: Lynda Moulton

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list–I’ve got a little list!
Of soap op’ra offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed–who never would be missed!

The pestilential pretty-boy who never wears his shirt–
All characters who live high and fast and never seem to work–
All children who are sent upstairs and come down middle-aged–
The diva Doc who’s dumb as rocks and more than often caged–
And miscreants on meddling with lab results insist–
They’d none of ‘em be missed–they’d none of ‘em be missed!

She’s got ‘em on the list–she’s got ‘em on the list;
And they’ll none of ‘em be missed–they’ll none of ‘em be missed!

The swaggering execuprods who only fire the best.
The ratings masochist! I’ve got THEM on the list!
The model/actor wannabe who’s just a wax-ed chest–
They never would be missed! They never would be missed.

The characters who are saintly heroes/heroines at heart
Have had their brains and spines excised by writers e’re they start.
The villains who can havoc wreak with very little rue
And cops so dim, and citizens who cannot grasp a clue.
And this oddball aberration: The Soapy columnist!
I KNOW he’d not be missed, I know he’d not be missed!

She’s got him on the list–she’s got him on the list;
And I don’t think he’ll be missed–I’m sure he’ll not be missed!

The doctor who does everything and never is non-plussed–
The multi-specialist! I’ve got him/her on the list!
The rookie cops who make their captain’s bars with one good bust–
They’d none of them be missed! Oh no, they’d not be missed!

And shallow, ditzy juniors with the latest retro look,
Who make degrees, with untold ease, and never crack a book!
And daughters bed their mother’s new found beau with scruples few–
And likewise topsy-turvy, vicey-versy: Well! Who knew?

But it really doesn’t matter who you put upon the list–
For they’d none of ‘em be missed–they’d none of ‘em be missed!

I’ve made a little list

Author: W. S. Gilbert

Thanks to Jim Drew for providing me with Gilbert’s own parody of the little list song!

As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve made a little list–I’ve made a little list–
Of inconvenient people who might well be underground,
For they never would be missed–they never would be missed.
The donkey who of nine-times-six and eight-times-seven prates,
And stumps you with enquiries on geography and dates,
And asks for your ideas on spelling “parallelogram,”
All narrow-minded people who are stingy with their jam,
And the torture-dealing dentist, with the forceps in his fist–
They’d none of them be missed–they’d none of them be missed.

There’s the nursemaid who each evening in curl-papers does your hair
With an aggravating twist–SHE never would be missed–
And tells you that you mustn’t cough or sneeze or yawn or stare–
She never would be missed–I’m sure she’d not be missed.
All those who hold that children shouldn’t have too much to eat,
And think cold suet pudding a delicious birthday treat,
Who say that little girls to bed at seven should be sent,
And consider pocket money isn’t given to be spent,
And doctors who on giving you unpleasant draughts insist–
They never would be missed, they’d none of them be missed.

Then the teacher who for hours keeps you practising your scales
With an ever-aching wrist–SHE never would be missed–
And children, too, who out of school are fond of telling tales–
They never would be missed–I’m sure they’d not be missed.
All people who maintain (in solemn earnest–not in joke)
That quantities of sugar-plums are bad for little folk,
And those who hold the principle, unalterably fixed,
That instruction with amusement should most carefully be mixed;
All these (and many others) I have placed upon the list,
For they never would be missed–never, never would be missed!

I’ve got a little list

Author: Eve Golden (Movieline)

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list–I’ve got a little list
Of people who annoy me and might well be underground,
And who never would be missed–who never would be missed!
There are models who weigh 90 pounds and tell you that they’re fat,
Biographers who claim to own a subject just like that,
People in the Shop-Rite blocking aisles with their carts,
All sitcoms using plots that try to warm our little hearts,
And chiropractors who treat AIDS by giving you a twist–
They’d none of them be missed–they’d none of them be missed.

CHORUS
She’s got them on the list–she’s got them on the list,
And they’ll none of them be missed–they’ll none of them be missed.

There’s the lawyers who claims verdicts all depend on what’s your race,
They’ve really got me pissed–I’ve got them on the list!
And people who smoke cigarettes and puff ‘em in your face;
They never would be missed–they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who talks out loud with shrill and strident tone
On all commuter busses in their bloody new cell phone!
And the stout commuting lady who goes trudging down the street
With a business suit above but great big sneakers on her feet;
Jim Carrey, Robin Williams and all manic humorists;
I don’t think they’d be missed–I’m sure they’d not be missed.

CHORUS
She’s got them on the list–she’s got them on the list–
And she don’t think they’d be missed–she’s sure they won’t be missed!

Religious politicians who just now are rather rife–
Especially Baptists–I’ve got them on the list!
Who get into the Congress and then try to rule your life;
They’d none of them be missed–They’d none of them be missed!
Pretentious actors who insist their name is said “Rafe Fines,”
All critics who choose books that show up in The New York Times,
New Jerseyites who decorate their lawns with plastic gnomes,
And balding men who glue long strands of hair upon their domes–
But it doesn’t really matter who you put upon the list;
For they’d none of them be missed–they’d none of them be missed!

Return to the parody archive.

Grepped a little list

Grepped a little List by Daniel P. Dern

I’ve got a little list [spam/procmail]

Author Unknown

Ko-Ko (Lord High Executioner and Postmaster@titipu.com):

As some days it can happen that my in-box gets too full,
I’ve got a little list– a little procmail list
Of annoying e-mail senders whose spew goes to dev/null,
And who never would be missed– who never would be missed!
There’s the idiotic nuisances who say “Make money fast!
Just send a buck to each of us and add your name on last,
I’ve made a bunch of money now, and you can join the fun,
Ignore the dull statistics proving it cannot be done,
So what if it would take more folks than currently exist?”
They’d none of ‘em be missed– they’d none of ‘em be missed!

Chorus:

He’s got ‘em on the list– he’s got ‘em on the list;
And they’ll none of ‘em be missed– they’ll none of ‘em be missed.

Ko-Ko:

Then there’s evil Spamford Wallace and his Cyberpromo slime–
The e-mail terrorist– I’ve got *him* on the list!
With his unrepentant attitude and arrogance sublime,
It’s easy to insist– he *must* be on the list.
He harvests our addresses, which he sells to other jerks
Then he spams us selling software we can buy to block their works.
New domains most every day, a tough man to ignore,
Send him a “Remove” request, he only spams you more.
He wants to make a profit, doesn’t care how much he’s dissed.
But I don’t think he’ll be missed– I’m *sure* he’ll not be missed!

Chorus:

He’s got him on the list– got Spamford on the list;
And I don’t think he’ll be missed– I’m *sure* he’ll not be missed!

Ko-Ko:

Headers saying “FREE,” “X-Rated,” “Bulk Mail,” dollar signs–
Don’t let them get you pissed– just put them on the list.
Anything from Nancynet, Quantcom, and all their kind,
They’d none of ‘em be missed– they’d none of ‘em be missed.
The folks you’ve flamed on Usenet who might want to get you back,
Anyone whose Web site you decided you should hack,
And all the many pseudonyms of Caro You-Know-Who–
The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of ‘em be missed– they’d none of ‘em be missed!

Chorus:

You may put ‘em on the list– you may put ‘em on the list;
And they’ll none of ‘em be missed– they’ll none of ‘em be missed!

I’ve got a little list [math]

Author: Mark Wilson

As some day it may happen that the budget must decay,
I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list,
Of mathematical offenders who might well be sent away,
And who never would be missed – who never would be missed!

There’s the pestilential lecturers who won’t define their terms,
Like CLT-groups, n-jets and biholomorphic germs.
All speakers who can’t tell the time or see you’re there no more,
All speakers who wish earnestly to chitchat with the floor,
And the picture-drawing low-dimensional topologist,
They’d none of ‘em be missed – they’d none of ‘em be missed!

CHORUS.
He’s got ‘em on the list – he’s got ‘em on the list,
And they’ll none of ‘em be missed – they’ll none of them be missed.

There’s the nonsmoking crusader and the others of his race,
And the all-but physicist – I’ve got him on the list!
All category jugglers who would live in twistor space,
They never would be missed, they never would be missed!
The people who embark on proofs without hypotheses,
Insert, delete and alter them in any way they please.
The hapless student who believes on every single day,
“if P yields Q then Q yields P”, and then demands an ‘A’.
And those singular anomalies, applied set theorists,
I don’t think they’d be missed – I’m sure they’d not be missed!

CHORUS.
He’s got them on the list – he’s got them on the list,
And I don’t think they’d be missed – I’m sure they’d not be missed!

And that outgrowth of heuristics who the calculus would save,
The nonstandard analyst – I’ve got him on the list!
All axiom-stretchers, lemma freaks , and definition slaves,
They’d none of ‘em be missed – they’d none of ‘em be missed.
And insufferable support staff of an antisocial kind,
Such as what-d’ye call her, thing-em-bob, and likewise – never mind.
And ‘St-’St-’St- and What’s-her-name, and also You-know-who -
The task of filling in the blanks I’d rather leave to you.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of ‘em be missed – they’d none of ‘em be missed!

CHORUS.
You may put ‘em on the list – you may put ‘em on the list;
And they’ll none of ‘em be missed – they’ll none of ‘em be missed!