Author: Sharon Brindle
Oh, a chorus girl’s fate is at best second-rate
When she’s trying to win an audition,
A prospective young star’ll wear sexy apparel
To influence panel decision.
But there’s no man in sight when you come to audite,
So you’re dressed up a bit indecorous,
Though you pull out the stops – and you even brought props –
Still, you have to go back to the chorus.
Oh, it’s certain that many a maiden or lad
Has been through this ordeal, disappointed and sad,
So they have to return to the chorus!
Though we try to pretend it’s the same in the end
When we find out we’ve not been selected,
And we know that the chorus is better place for us,
There’s no doubt we feel most dejected.
Still, we show much restraint, not a single complaint,
And one tries not to seem a bad loser
But you stand there aghast when you note who’s been cast –
She’s a relative of the producer!
Oh, it’s really unfair, nepotism is rife,
And you may not get cast for the rest of your life,
While you’re stuck with a selfish producer!
Author: Sharon Brindle
Phoebe: I mope alone and why, oh why
This Fairfax man is going to die
Wilfred: You weep for him to no avail
He’ll live and perish in my jail (Exit Wilfred)
Meryll: You must not weep, you must not weep,
I’ll save him from his endless sleep
Your brother’s back – get Fairfax out
We’ll own him as a Yeoman stout (exeunt)
(enter Fairfax + Lieut)
Fairfax: One night remains ere head I lose,
What ho, my man? What news? What news?
Lieut: Your head will roll – I’ve no reprieve
Fairfax: Aha – I’ve something up my sleeve
I need a bride – I don’t care which
I’ll be a corpse, and she’ll be rich (exit Fairfax)
(enter Point + Elsie)
Elsie: Alas, my mother’s very ill
Lieut: Will money help?
Elsie It will! It will!
Lieut: My friend desires a bride to find
Elsie: I’m not so sure…
Point: Well, I don’t mind! (exit Elsie)
Lieut: You need a job? Well, if you’re fun
I may have need for such an one
Point: A pretty wit, a pretty wit
My japes have always been a hit
Just test me on my jollity
Lieut: A truce to fooling, follow me (exeunt)
(enter Meryll + Phoebe)
Meryll: The Colonel’s free, the deed is done
I’ve dressed him up to be my son.
Phoebe: But list, they ring the funeral bell
Instead they’ll find an empty cell
(enter Lieut + Fairfax + Elsie + Point + Wilfred)
Fairfax: My lord bad tidings here I bear
He is not there, he is not there!
Lieut: What say you, man, he is not there?
He can’t have vanished into air!
The jailer must die in his place
If of the prisoner there’s no trace
Wilfred: It was not me, it was not me
I hate the man, my rival he!
Elsie: Alas, what am I now to do
I’m married now to Heav’n knows who
Point: You think you’re smart to wed a con
But now the man is gone, gone, gone! (exeunt)
END OF ACT I
(enter Women and Yeomen)
Women: Where is Fairfax? Where is he?
Where, oh where can Fairfax be?
Yeomen: Up and down, and in and out,
Here and there, and round about;
Every chamber, every house,
Every chink that holds a mouse,
Every crevice in the keep
Where a beetle black could creep,
Every outlet, every drain
Have we searched, but all in vain!
No-one in this town so wide
Has found the place where he doth hide! (exeunt)
Fairfax: Though I am free from fetters grim
I wish I’d not wed on a whim
I’m landed with an unknown wife
I may be shackled to for life! (exit)
(enter Wilfred and Point)
Point: My Elsie’s gone to someone new
What shall I do? What shall I do?
Wilfred: If you make me a jester man
I’ll help you in a cunning plan
Point: You’ll fire a shot and we’ll pretend
That that’s how Fairfax met his end
Then I will have my Elsie back
Wilfred: And I can be a Jumping Jack (exeunt)
(enter Fairfax + Elsie)
Fairfax: I now know Elsie is my bride
I’ll play a trick and test her pride
I love thee, Elsie, fly with me!
Elsie: What trick is this? I’m shocked at thee!
(enter Meryll + Phoebe)
Meryll: What was that shot? What was that shot?
Fairfax: A gun, was my initial thought
(enter Point and Wilfred)
Wilfred: I fired that arquebus, ’twas me!
Point: And all was witnessed by Jack P.
Wilfred: I shot this Fairfax through the head
Point: And now he’s dead!
Wilfred: And now he’s dead!
Lieut: To find this body now attend
Before the night is at an end! (exeunt Lieut, Point, Wilfred)
Fairfax: Now Elsie fair, I love thee well
Will you become my wife, pray tell?
Phoebe: What do they do? What do they do?
Point: You can’t do that! I love her too!
Elsie: Now ’tis my marriage day, it’s said
I will, I must and shall be wed
Lieut: But hold, my girl, ’tis not to be
Your husband lives and he is free
Elsie: Oh no! Oh no! What shall I do?
How can I face this torment new?
Fairfax: I am your husband, look at me
Elsie: Oh joy! Oh rapture! It is thee!
All: Hurray! Hurray! Oh happy day
Again we say Hurray! Hurray!
Jack: Since this is writ by Dr Seuss
A downbeat ending is no use
I’ll find myself another mate
And fall in love with pretty Kate!
Author: Sharon Brindle
Point:My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
Elsie’s gone to live with Fairfax and I’m left in desolation
When I told her she could marry I believed he’d be beheaded,
But he fled as Leonard Merryl, and so Elsie still was wedded,
Though I tried to spin a story how I shot him in the noddle
He returned to claim his widow, and so I was left with sod all,
Now I don’t know whether suicide or fainting is the smarter
*So I’ll leave it to you to decide if I’m to be a martyr
Elsie, Fairfax: If he is to be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr
Point: If I am to be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr
Fairfax: If I had not been quite so bad and generally naughty
I’d have granted a divorce and let the jester have his totty
But the girl was quite a corker, in my loins I felt a stirring
And then when I made a pass at her I found she was concurring,
That I’m witty, rich and fascinating there is no denying,
Although when it comes to women I am not averse to lying,
Whilst I feel a trifle guilty, I just cannot live withart’er,
So I’ll keep her for myself and Master Point can be a martyr
All: Master Point can be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr
Elsie: I’m very well aware of all the failings of my suitor
He’s a sneaky piece of work, but he is infinitely cuter
He pretended to be Leonard with deception cruel and shocking
Till I found out he was Fairfax in a different-coloured stocking
It’s a sticky situation and I’m caught up in the middle
Should I wed the hunky charmer or the master of the riddle?
Though the very thought of wedded bliss with either’s a non-starter
I will listen to my hormones and desert my loyal martyr
Point, Fairfax: She’ll desert her loyal martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr,
Elsie: I’ll desert my loyal martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr,
Elsie: Though you may say “Che peccata”, he will always be a martyr
All: He will always be a martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr, martyr.
*But unconscious or deceased, you must allow I am a martyr
( Sharon Brindle 1997)