I am the very model of a great artistic director

Author: Tom Epstein

I am the very model of a great Artistic Director,
Backstage I swing a hammer
With the same authority as Thor;
I know the way to stage a fight
That reads from all around the house-
From rapier duels, to quarterstaffs,
And punches straight to big roundhouse.
I am very well acquainted, too,
With matters high dramatical,
Like sighs, and moans, and glances thrown,
And atmospheres piratical;
And romances historical and farces operatical-
From Cyrano and Robin Hood,
To Pirates Penzancancical!
I am very good at staging, too,
The plays writ by the Avon Bard,
And I can talk for hours, days, weeks even,
Without breathing hard-
In short, with plays that make ’em soar,
Then stand and roar, and yell for more,
I am the very model of a great Artistic Director.

In fact, when I know what is meant by
“Oops, I goofed!” or “Gee, you’re right!”,
When I can hear advice, and then
Not take it as a dreadful slight,
When I can hear a differing opinion
And not blow a fuse,
And stop insisting that each actor
Work at least a million crews.
When I can meet my own demands
Regarding punctuality,
And turn rehearsal schedules
From guess to actuality,
iF even once I’d know my book
On opening night without a doubt-
But then, you’d all have absolutely
Nothing to complain about!
So, upon further reflection
I’ve decided to change nothing, nix,
For after all, as someone said,
It’s hard to teach old dogs new tricks.
And in my field, it’s typical, to be très egotistical-
Hence I’m the very model of a Director Artistical.


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