I am the very model of a modern legal criminal

Author: anonymous

To be sung to the tune of, “I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General.”
Check with your attorney to determine if this is a fair use.

I am the legal eagle of the Church of Scientology,
For First Amendment purposes that’s what’s called “a theology”;
Of course we don’t believe in God–if you do, we don’t mind, as such:
We’ll convert you (and your property) through Operation Midas Touch.

I oversee manipulation of the law in Dennis Erlich’s case,
I practice my beliefs before Judge Whyte by lying to his face.
In short, in matters criminal, both overt and subliminal,
I sing the songs of L. Ron from his copyrighted hym-n-al.

Chorus:

In short, in matters criminal, both overt and subliminal,
She sings the songs of L. Ron from his copyrighted hym-n-al!

By now you’ve heard our leader sailed a Navy ship and saved the day,
At Flag, Sea Org and L.A. we salute and shout, “Hip, hip, hooray!”
Our records show he seized the reigns and ne’er once failed to take them up.
And, like the facts in Erlich’s case, he ne’er once failed to make them up!

The SPs who are PTS the OSA will deal with,
The HCOPLs work best to RPF your meal with.
Though Grady Ward can say that I am just the ‘ho of babble-on’…
babble-on…
babble-on…
Ah yes!:
Such acronyms I’d like to wager ten fair games of Scrabble[tm*] on!

Chorus:

Such acronyms she’d like to wager ten fair games of Scrabble on!
Such acronyms she’d like to wager ten fair games of Scrabble on!
Such acronyms she’d like to wager ten fair games of Scrabble, Scrabble on!

At redefining words I make George Orwell do a double-think,
Uncork me and the law’s my punch-bowl; I’m Jim Jones’s bubble-drink.
In short, in matters criminal, both overt and subliminal,
I sing the songs of L. Ron from his trade-secreted hym-n-al!

Chorus:

In short, in matters criminal, both overt and subliminal,
She sings the songs of L. Ron from his trade-secreted hym-n-al!

Now, let me be perfectly “clear”:
Our church is not a cult because our church is not a cult because
Our church is (nod) occult. Be. Cuss our churchies. Not ack. Old beak nose.
Arch urges noted. Culled because hour charge is nada. Gold–be cozy.
Cherish Tom, Nicole (big house–ours?). Churlish snotty cold pig hose.

How odd it is that “audit” is the term we use for “therapy”,
The same word from the IRS would set a grizzly bear a-pee.
But since we’ve infiltrated them we are not scared a bit ourselves,
When they come to examine us, we’ll know how to audit ourselves!

Chorus:

When they come to examine us, we’ll know how to audit ourselves!
When they come to examine us, we’ll know how to audit ourselves!
When they come to examine us, we’ll know how to audit, audit ourselves!

There’s only one remaining law with which we haven’t been attacked:
The Racketeer-Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act.
Of course we won’t defend ourselves; we’ll fire lying flak at them:
If Justice files a RICO suit, we’ll counterfile one back at them!

Though no one is beyond redemption, I am on the road to hell,
The money talks. The money talks. The money talks. I know too well.
In short, with ethics minimal, from L. Ron’s secret hym-n-al,
I am the very model of a modern legal criminal!

Chorus: In short with ethics minimal, from L. Ron’s secret hym-n-al,
She is the very model of a modern legal criminal!

* After all, dears, this is *only* a dispute over intellectual property!

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