The Ruddigore Hillbillies

Author: Sharon Brindle

1. Come and listen to my story ’bout Rupert Murgatroyd
He was the sort of fella that you’re better to avoid
He liked to torture witches and would duck ’em in his lake
But a palsied hag gave him a gift as she burned at the stake

Curse, that is
On his soul
No parole

2. Well, the next thing you know, it’s passed down the family tree
Through Roderic and Despard, not a generation’s free
But Sir Ruthven had the right idea, it really must be said,
He got out of the problem by pretending to be dead

Late, that is
Ceased to be

3. Now Ruthven, known as Robin, is enamoured of a girl
Who captivates the village boys and gets them in a whirl
But though the bridesmaids think that she is playing hard to get
Her curious behaviour’s in the name of etiquette

Manners, that is
Show respect

4. When Robin’s brother Richard comes rolling into town
He tries to cheer up Robin ‘cos he’s feeling kinda down
Romances Rose by proxy ‘cos his brother’s really shy
But he takes her for himself ‘cos he’s a sneaky kind of guy

Cad, that is
Cupid’s dart
Blames his heart

5. Now Rose goes back to Robin, he’s the one she really wants,
Dick wanders to the graveyard, one of Despard’s favourite haunts
He lets it slip to Murgatroyd that Rose’s valentine
Is older brother Ruthven, keeping oxen, sheep and swine

Pigs, that is
Former crook
Off the hook

6. Now Ruthven is the criminal and does a crime a day
To keep the painted emblems and Sir Roderick at bay
While Despard’s married Crazy Meg and goes to tend the sick
When she goes mad, a “Basingstoke” will always do the trick

Calm, that is
Makes her wiser

7. When Ruthven tries to kidnap Rose, he thinks he’s played his part
But Gideon Crawle returns with Roddy Doddy’s “tiger caht”,
But by some crazy twist of fate that will amaze y’all,
Since Roderic had topped himself, he wasn’t dead at all

Free, that is
Family curse
Is reversed

8. So happy ever after, every couple’s getting hitched,
And now the Murgatroyds are not the only ones bewitched
The moral of the story if you’re virtuous at all
Is make sure that all your paintings are turned in towards the wall

Y’all come back now, y’hear?


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