I’ve made a little list

Author: W. S. Gilbert

Thanks to Jim Drew for providing me with Gilbert’s own parody of the little list song!

As someday it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve made a little list–I’ve made a little list–
Of inconvenient people who might well be underground,
For they never would be missed–they never would be missed.
The donkey who of nine-times-six and eight-times-seven prates,
And stumps you with enquiries on geography and dates,
And asks for your ideas on spelling “parallelogram,”
All narrow-minded people who are stingy with their jam,
And the torture-dealing dentist, with the forceps in his fist–
They’d none of them be missed–they’d none of them be missed.

There’s the nursemaid who each evening in curl-papers does your hair
With an aggravating twist–SHE never would be missed–
And tells you that you mustn’t cough or sneeze or yawn or stare–
She never would be missed–I’m sure she’d not be missed.
All those who hold that children shouldn’t have too much to eat,
And think cold suet pudding a delicious birthday treat,
Who say that little girls to bed at seven should be sent,
And consider pocket money isn’t given to be spent,
And doctors who on giving you unpleasant draughts insist–
They never would be missed, they’d none of them be missed.

Then the teacher who for hours keeps you practising your scales
With an ever-aching wrist–SHE never would be missed–
And children, too, who out of school are fond of telling tales–
They never would be missed–I’m sure they’d not be missed.
All people who maintain (in solemn earnest–not in joke)
That quantities of sugar-plums are bad for little folk,
And those who hold the principle, unalterably fixed,
That instruction with amusement should most carefully be mixed;
All these (and many others) I have placed upon the list,
For they never would be missed–never, never would be missed!